A Nearly Complete List Of Chicago Bears Jokes

Originally posted on Facebook
by Blane Mather on Saturday, January 22, 2011 at 11:56am

Q) Where do the Bears go in case of a tornado?

A) Soldier Field. They rarely have a touchdown there!

Q) Why do they use real grass for the turf at Soldier Field?

A) So Bears fans can graze at halftime!

The Chicago Bears practice was delayed two hours today after a player found an unknown white powder on the practice field. Coach Lovie Smith suspended practice and called police and the FBI. After analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

Q) Why was Jay Cutler upset when the Bears playbook was stolen?

A) Because he hadn't finished coloring in it!

Q) You know why Jay Cutler is so awkward around a phone?

A) He has a hard time finding the receiver!

A teacher tells her class that she loves the BEARS. Everyone agrees except one little girl. When asked who she likes, the girl said the Packers. The teacher asked why and the girl said "because mom and dad are fans". The teacher replies "that's no reason to like them, what if your dad was an idiot and your mom was a moron... then what would you be?" The little girl replied back, "a Bears fan."

Q) How do you get a Bears fan off of your porch?

A) Pay him for the pizza!

Q) How do Packer fans keep bears out of their yards?

A) They put up goal posts!

A Packer fan asks guy next to him at the bar, "Wanna hear a Bear fan joke?" The guy says, "Well before you tell it you should know something. I'm a Bear fan. The 6'2", 240 lb guy next to me is a Bear fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" 280 lbs and he's a Bear fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?..." The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."

Q) What's the difference between a dollar and the Chicago Bears?

A) You can get four quarters out of a dollar!

Q) Why doesn't Rockford have a professional football team?

A) Because then Chicago would want one!

The Bear family were in divorce court. The judge asked Baby Bear, “Will you live with Daddy Bear?” “No!” Baby Bear replied, “He beats me every day.” The judge said, “Then you'll live with Mommy Bear.” “No! She beats me every day too.” The judge replied, “Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?” Baby Bear said, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They hardly ever beat anybody!”

Q) Why do the trees in Milwaukee all lean to the south?

A) Because the Vikings blow and the Bears suck!

Q) What do you call a Bears fan holding a bottle of champagne after Sunday's NFC Championship game?

A) Waiter!

The Astronaut and the Congresswoman

Originally posted on Facebook and SuperheroStuff.com
by Blane Mather at 12:04pm on 1/20/2011
(expanded for Blog)

When I was growing up, there were two categories of heroes that I idolized - the superheroes from comics ... and astronauts, firemen, policemen and soldiers, but particularly astronauts.

Comic heroes were easy ... they had supernatural abilities and could do amazing things. Their adventures were adrenaline fueled fantasies for a kid who wished he had more power to control his own life.

But astronauts were REAL heroes ... they got to FLY into space, they CHALLENGED the unknown, they bravely and knowingly RISKED their lives, and they did all for the benefit of ALL OF MANKIND!

So I watched the press conference today with Mark Kelly, brave test pilot and heroic astronaut. He who was willing to risk his own life for our benefit was having to deal with the unimaginable ... a threat to the life and well-being of the one he loves most in this world. That was surely a risk he would never willingly undertake. And yet, here he was, handling the gravest and most traumatic event of his life with dignity, strength and grace. No superhero faced a greater challenge or dealt with it better.

When they write about astronauts being made of "The Right Stuff", they had no idea how well that description would apply to Mark Kelly. He absolutely has the right stuff to help Congresswoman Gabriell Giffords recover from that horrific attack in Tucson thirteen days ago.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that "Gabby" has a husband and champion like this to stand by her side as she begins the long road of rehabilitation ahead of her.

I still read comics from time to time. But there's no question about where I look for examples of real heroism these days.

The Benfits of FAILURE

Originally posted on Facebook

The Benfits of FAILURE - including an excerpt from J. K. Rowling's 2008 Graduation Speech to Harvard

by Blane Mather on Friday, April 9, 2010 at 12:53pm

From J. K. Rowling's 2008 Graduation Speech to Harvard:

"I have decided to talk to you today about the benefits of failure.

A mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain without being homeless. And so 'rock bottom' became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all, in which case you fail by default."

Noted Examples of Failure:

• Oprah Winfrey failed as a news reporter


• Henry Ford filed for bankruptcy 5 times


• Michael Jordan failed to make his varsity basketball team


• Winston Churchill finished last in his class


• Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything." He was fired from his first two jobs for being "non-productive." As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."


• Enrico Caruso's music teacher said he had no voice at all and could not sing.


• Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas."


• Michael Caine's headmaster told him, "You will be a laborer all your life."


• Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and one of his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was expelled from school and failed the entrance exam to Eidgenössische Polytechnische Schule in Zurich


• R. H. Macy failed 7 times before his store in New York City caught on.


• 27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss's first book, "To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street".


• John Milton wrote Paradise Lost 16 years after losing his eyesight.


• Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college.


• As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war a captain and returned a private. Afterwards, he was a failure as a businessman. As a lawyer in Springfield, he was too impractical and temperamental to be a success. He turned to politics and was defeated in his first try for the legislature, again defeated in his first attempt to be nominated for congress, defeated in his application to be commissioner of the General Land Office, defeated in the senatorial election of 1854, defeated in his efforts for the vice-presidency in 1856, and defeated in the senatorial election of 1858. At about that time, he wrote in a letter to a friend, "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth."

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." ~ Confucius

The Nicest Rejection Letter I've Received In Some Time!

Originally posted on Facebook
by Blane Mather on Friday, May 7, 2010 at 12:44pm

I am in the habit of writing manufacturers from time to time about products I like, especially when they are discontinued. My most recent cause for writing was on the occasion of Frito-Lay discontinuing the Original Taco flavor Doritos. Here is the email I sent:


Hello,

I had long enjoyed the original Taco flavored Doritos since they were first introduced (in the seventies or eighties I believe) when I lived in Wisconsin. When I moved to Texas in 1999, I learned I could not find that flavor in stores here, and after contacting you I found that you did not distribute them to this part of the country. So for a while I just had my dad ship me a case from Wisconsin from time to time. But a while back he informed me he couldn't find them in stores any more, and it looks like you've discontinued the flavor entirely.

I've tried the Tacos At Midnight (don't like them) and Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch (they're okay) flavors, but they're not as good as the original Taco flavor. So I have two questions for you. 1) Is there any way for me to get that original Taco flavor chip from anywhere in the country and 2) if you have no intention of ever making them again, can I ask for the seasoning recipe? (Well, it can't hurt to ask.) Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Blane Mather


Here is the response I received:


Hi Blane,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us.

We hear you! We're so glad to know one of our past products reached your "favorite snack" list! We understand each brand or flavor will end up being a front runner for someone. We wish we could carry them all. Regrettably, some snacks must be discontinued in order to make room for new ideas and the ever changing market demand.

We will gladly note your interest as a loyal fan of Original Taco Doritos. Unfortunately, the information you requested is considered confidential and we're not allowed to the share it outside the company. We appreciate the comments you shared with us and hope you will turn to our other Frito-Lay snacks to find a new favorite.


Best regards,

Natalia
Frito-Lay Consumer Affairs



Well, there are other Frito-Lay products that I like, although none are as good as those Taco Flavor Doritos that I will miss so. But that is the nicest, most courteous rejection I've received in a while, so I guess I will still buy Frito-Lay chips from time to time.

But that's not going to stop me from searching the internet for that seasoning recipe.

I already figured out how to make Postum (another favorite discontinued product) at home! LOL!

Texas Has Some Bad Drivers

Originally posted on Facebook

by Blane Mather on Wednesday, May 19, 2010 at 11:36am

I got into a conversation on the internet about how annoying it is when drivers don't use their turn signals. And then several people noted that in certain situations if you use your turn signal to indicate you're going to change lanes, some drivers speed up to prevent you from being able to merge into their lanes.

Then I related how for a while when I was between cars, I was taking a lot of taxi cab rides. And the cab drivers here in Houston uniformly told me (since I observed the behavior and asked about it) that they don't dare signal a lane change or other drivers will do just that and prevent them from being able to get into the lane. And that got me thinking.

Great. Now I'm looking up traffic fatality statistics at the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration site (http://www-nrd.nhtsa.dot.gov/departments/nrd-30/ncsa/STSI/48_TX/2008/48_TX_2008.htm) and thinking somebody should make a documentary about how unsafe the drivers in this state and especially in this city are.

2008 Texas Average Fatality per 100,000 Population: 13.90
2008 U.S. State Average Fatality per 100,000 Population: 12.25
2008 Wisconsin Average Fatality per 100,000 Population: 10.75
2008 Illinois Average Fatality per 100,000 Population: 8.08
2008 Best State (lowest) Average Fatality per 100,000 Population: 5.59

Now I'm sure that last bit is skewed by geographic and population factors ... I don't know but I'm pretty sure there's probably less driving done per person in places like Alaska and Hawaii. But still, we're above the national average.

Also, people in this state really like to drink and drive. These are the number of Alcohol-Impaired Driving Fatalities (BAC = .08+) Per 100 Million Vehicle Miles Traveled for 2008.

Texas: 0.54
U.S. Average: 0.40
Wisconsin: 0.36
Illinois: 0.34
Best State: 0.16

Then, in the state of Texas, I live in the worst county for fatalities! These numbers are for 2008 and I know they're skewed because Houston is the 3rd or 4rth largest city in the U.S. but they still give me pause.

1) Harris County: 354
2) Dallas County: 202
3) Bexar County: 159
4) Tarrant County: 138
5) Travis County: 89

In fact, over the last 5 years Harris County has averaged over 1 traffic accident fatality per day. On average, every day someone in this county dies in a car accident. That is very unnerving and frustrating and ire inducing.

I wonder how much that could be reduced by people just using their turn signals, being a little more patient and tolerant with other drivers ... and not drinking and driving.

Originally published on Facebook

by Blane Mather on Tuesday, June 22, 2010 at 10:57am

I just learned of the tornado that touched down in Eagle, Wisconsin last night, and of the storms that left 48,000 customers in Waukesha and surrounding counties without power.

A CNN Report On The Tornado

A Video Report From WISN-TV

It bothered me terribly to read that a warning siren failed to function in Eagle. Authorities confirmed there were no fatalities, and for that bit of luck we can all be grateful. But stumbling across some forum postings from Wisconsin residents about the event gave me cause to remember the experiences of my youth, when for a period of time tornadoes were a part of the every day reality of my existence.

Tornado Memories

For 3 years (from around 1966 to 1968) my family lived in Oconomowoc, WI. We lived on North Walnut Street, and right across the street was Fowler Lake ... I could literally cross the street, take 5 steps and go fishing.

Here's a map showing the location we lived at in Oconomowoc between East Pleasant Avenue and North Oakwood Avenue on North Walnut Street:

GOOGLE MAP showing North Walnut Street in Oconomowoc, WI

The lake was a known formation point for tornadoes -- there's something about the combination of an open body of water and a low altitude depression that encourages the damn things. Typically we would have at least three tornado alerts each summer where the "air raid" sirens would go off and my mom would freak out about where us kids were and hustle us into the basement.

And we would huddle up holding close to the northeast wall because that was where the experts said we would be safest. And I remember learning at that young age the feeling that the only thing that was really keeping us safe was dumb luck ... the luck that drove all the twisters that did touch down to head anywhere but at our house.

We'd sit there in the basement, with my mom having a flashlight and radio in hand, waiting for the all clear. We didn't talk much, we didn't play or do anything else to entertain ourselves. We just mostly sat there silently listening to the news reports on the radio with our imaginations going wild about what might be going on out there and waiting to see if we would hear that deadly freight train sound. And every time there was a lightning strike nearby, that old AM Radio would suddenly sharply crackle with the interference.

We'd wait ... and sometimes 15 minutes later, sometimes up to an hour later, we would either hear the sirens sound the all clear or it would be announced on the radio that it was clear. But it wasn't really all clear until Mom announced we could go upstairs.

My brother Kyle probably remembers this. My sister Tania may ... she would have been about 4 when we moved away from there.

After living under those conditions for three years, my mother convinced my father to move to a new home 15 miles southwest of Waukesha, in a subdivision placed on one of the highest elevations in the county. And because it was a high elevation, regardless of what other extreme weather conditions we had to deal with there, we never again had to worry about tornadoes. I can't tell you how many microwaves, vcr's, tv's and heating furnaces (!) my parents have had to replace due to extreme lightning strikes since living there, but that's another story.

To give you an idea of how profoundly that 3 years of living in Oconomowoc and waiting for those inevitable hours of terror every summer have affected me, think about this:

I have lived in Texas for 12 years, and in Houston for the last 10 of that. And it still freaks me out that none of the homes here are built with basements. Logically, I know there's good reason for that ... because the heightened risk of flooding here makes them impractical. But the fact that none of the places I've lived at while I'm here have had basements has made me feel, in spite of all logic, just a little less safe.

15 movies I've seen that will always stick with me

15 movies I've seen that will always stick with me

Originally posted on Facebook

by Blane Mather on Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 11:29am

1) The Thin Blue Line

2) One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

3) To Kill A Mockingbird

4) 2001: A Space Odyssey

5) Blade Runner

6) Charly

7) Raiders Of The Lost Ark

8) Star Wars

9) Fargo

10) Pulp Fiction

11) Die Hard

12) Dr. Strangelove (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb)

13) Young Frankenstein

14) Animal House

15) Ghostbusters

Alternate selections: Replace "To Kill A Mockingbird" with "12 Angry Men", "Dr. Strangelove" with "Fail-Safe", "Animal House" with "Airplane" and "Blade Runner" with "Dark City" or "Donnie Darko"

Why following Stan Lee on Twitter is such a treat.

Why following Stan Lee on Twitter is such a treat.

Originally published on Facebook

by Blane Mather on Saturday, January 15, 2011 at 1:37pm

When I was younger, one of the things I liked about reading comics was reading Stan Lee's replies to readers questions in the Mighty Marvel Bull Pen section of Marvel comics or reading his commentary when he climbed on Stan Lee's Soapbox. Oh, it was all corny, hyper-inflated rhetoric filled with blatantly bombastic statements and armageddonish alliteration (yes, I just made up a word! ... I'm just following in the master's footsteps.) It was fun, and communicated to me that one of the primary creators of comic superheroes had the same love for them that I had.

In recent years it's been a real pleasure to see just about everyone honor Stan Lee as the creative genius and comic ombudsman that he is, whether it's TV interviews and blog mentions or cameo appearances in countless superhero blockbuster films.

I've recently started following @TheRealStanLee on Twitter. And it's taken me right back to those days of reading Stan Lee's Soapbox. I don't know if I can put into words how it makes me feel, but I can quote a few examples here and let you see what you think.

-------------------------------------

@TheRealStanLee (1-15-11):

Many brave Brigadiers have asked why I respond not personally to their querulous queries. I shall forthwith explain—

Thy beloved Generalissimo receiveth literally hundreds of questions each day from his knowledge-seeking warriors--

Alas, there be no time to pause for personal replies whillst affairs of state weigh heavily ‘pon my broad and brawny shoulders

Truth to tell, tis verily impossible to read each and every heartfelt tweet, but I do skimeth them thru, the better to link with thee

When I feel a particular query will be of interest to most of ye, I strive to address it right here before the eyes of the tweeting world

So fret ye not if thy tweet seems to fall ‘pon deaf ears. Thy leader doth read, listen and care. Thou are never alone! Excelsior!

@TheRealStanLee (1-14-11):

A troubled Brigadier hath asked his beloved Generalissimo a non-military question. So, warriors mine, stand thou at ease whilest I respond

“How” asketh he, “do I conquer writers block?” Ignore it, say I. Recognize it not. That which doth not exist cannot trouble thee

How gratifying it must be for my legions to know that their exalted Leader deigns to share his inexhaustible fund of knowledge with thee

Yea, tis not enough to be master of warfare. I must also be shaman and sage to ye who are troubled. And so shall I be! Excelsior!

@TheRealStanLee (1-13-11):

Someone actually tweeted, ”Are you the real Stan Lee or are you a fake?” I figure a fake wouldn’t admit he’s a fake, so he’d say he’s me.

And, of course, I’d say I’m me because I am me. So whether I’m a fake or I’m me, my inquisitor would get the same answer!

And so, my unknown tweeter, yeah, I’m me! But that’s what a fake would say, too. So you’ve initiated an exercise in futility.

So take heed, Brigadiers. When e’er thou mayest interrogate a fallen foe, choose thee thy queries with care! Excelsior!

@TheRealStanLee (1-12-11):

Two days ago the date was 1-1-11. All ones! Yet none of thee made mention! Are ye too jaded to find joy in simple things, my warriors?

Though the fate of mankind doth heavily weigh ‘pon our mighty shoulders, still must we pause to smell yon roses

No matter our power, no matter our cause, we must ne’er neglect life’s little trivia which doth garnish life’s plate of triumph and glory

And to him who tweeteth “Stan, I don’t know what the (naughty word) you’re talking about,” I say unto him, “Nor truly do I!” Excelsior!

-------------------------------------

Oh, it makes me chuckle and smile so. And no one else could get away with chatting like that. But Stan the Man can. So sayeth @blanemather - Excelsior!